Can Mel B iron her hair straighter than Cheryl's?: LIZ JONES asks the biggest question on X Factor opening night

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Published: 21:08 GMT, 30 August 2014 | Updated: 02:11 GMT, 31 August 2014

The TV advert in the style of Game Of Thrones promised much. As did the return of Simon Cowell (‘A job so important I had to come home’), replacing the dullard that was Gary Barlow.

But I wasn’t sure about teaming up Cheryl Fernandez-Versini  (nee Tweedy, formerly Cole) – the woman who is glad she has dimples because she thinks they mean she weighs less – and another gobby Northern bird, Melanie Brown.

In the first instalment last night I missed the glossy, etiolated limbs and sunny optimism of former judge Nicole Scherzinger. However, The X Factor is still a beacon on dark Saturday nights, seeing us through to Christmas.

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Back for more: Judges Louis Walsh, Mel B, Cheryl Fernandez-Versini and Simon Cowell with one of the wannabe singing stars on last night's show

I had a problem with the opening montage: the four judges basking in private jets, topless Bentleys, and champagne. Carole King and Bob Dylan didn’t become singer-songwriters so they could perch front row at Burberry.

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At least the auditions were cloistered, not in front of a baying audience.

‘We want it so bad,’ said two badly dyed American sisters called Blonde Electric.

They were the first contestants with the first of the cliches (‘a million per cent yes’ soon turned up, don’t worry).

There were some potential winners: 15-year-old Reece, a Justin Bieber lookalike called Charlie, who is only 14; Chloe-Jasmine with the Cara Delevingne eyebrows; and schoolgirl Lauren, who reminded me of Rita Ora.

Then there was plasterer Shayden, who had been dumped and was so bad the judges laughed at him.

He wouldn’t stop wailing so they walked off.

‘Nobody does that,’ he said, hitting another bum note. ‘There’s a reason,’ quipped Simon.

The biggest contest, of course, was who out of Mel and Cheryl could iron their hair the flattest and the shiniest.

It’s amazing the adulation Cheryl attracts from  the crowd, who only want to meet her. One older lady had never heard of the tattooed Geordie, though. ‘Coal, as in what you put on the fire?’ she said.

Cheryl had an X Factor mug in front of her in case she forgets which show she is on, but she remembered Amy, who returned from being rejected by the singer at Judges’ Houses a few years ago.

XXX Factor? Simon, Cheryl and Mel B's jaws drop as does the dress of a contestant on Saturday night's show

Tears, tears, tears: Cheryl Fernandez-Versini proved her mascara is waterproof when her former her former Judge's House contestant Amy Connolly auditioned again

Hopefuls: American sibling duo Blonde Electric 'want it so bad' on X Factor

Cue a chance for Cheryl to prove her mascara is waterproof, and much hugging – with the potential for false lashes to stick together.

But it’s all beginning to feel too orchestrated and formulaic. When a lad in braces serenades Cheryl, Mel has a lighter ready to wave, while the press release tells me: ‘Simon guitar-smashing pictures available.’

It’s all a bit racist, too: the Stevie Wonder played over black keyboard player Shayden; the fact Simon asked a possibly Malaysian woman for prawn crackers.

And classist – the token posh girl was filmed in parkland, against a tree.

‘I never thought we’d get anybody like that on,’ said Louis Walsh, confirming Britain as an elitist closed shop, where only the disenfranchised underclass need a show like this.

I liked best the crone who stripped off, Jay the full-time dad who sings like a plug hole but looks like a star, and the woman who brought a cake, mistaking Louis for Mary Berry. The shock on Cheryl’s face when asked to ingest carbs was priceless.

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