Elvis at 80 would still rock

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If Elvis was alive now, aged 80, he'd have returned to touring

Do you remember where you were when he died on August 16, 1977?

I was packing to go on holiday and though the news was a shock I was still young and foolish enough to think that at 42 he'd had a pretty good innings – and anyway he was somewhat before my time, a bit 1950s.

So, ho hum.

But 38 years later as time plays its cruel tricks I'm painfully aware that 42 is not by any stretch of the imagination a good innings.

It is a tragically all–too–brief innings.

And in those intervening years Elvis's fame has expanded like a supernova swallowing everything in its path.

He changed music for all time (a cliché but true) when in 1953, aged 18, he turned up at Sun Studios in Memphis and goofed around with a version of That's All Right causing producer Sam Phillips to put his head round the door and say, "What are you doing?" to which Elvis and know vehicles a and a bassist Bill Black said, "We dunno".

I love that story.

Meanwhile in 2015 an exhibition of his home furnishings and other gewgaws sent from Graceland is luring thousands to the 02 in London.

The proposed sale of two of his private blingy planes is headline news.

There are more Elvis impersonators than ever and there were quite a few when he was alive.

He is a legend, he is immortal – yet his absurdly youthful ex–wife Priscilla has just ended her stint in panto in Manchester.

Eighty is of course no age at all now.

If Elvis was alive he'd have returned touring after a brief downturn in the 1980s when he permed his hair and disappointed his fans by flirting with synth-pop.

Retirement would be out of the question because he'd have lost the weight and booked in for thermage laser treatments like Gwyneth Paltrow who is now, one notes, the same age as Elvis was when he died.

Besides he'd be in competition with fellow (slightly older) octogenarian Leonard Cohen and possibly duetting with Lady Gaga just like Tony Bennett (88) or doing something with Kanye West as is Paul McCartney (72).

Unfortunately he didn't live long enough to find out that rock 'n' roll has ceased to be a young man's game for as a recent article in The Spectator pointed out, Bob Dylan's first 1962 album (he's a mere 73) is closer to the reign of Edward VII (1901–10) than to us. Isn't that extraordinary?

The Rolling Stones anthem for urgent and frustrated youth Satisfaction was released 50 years ago and it still makes everyone (not just dads) get up and dance.

But teens in 1965 would have laughed at the idea of music from half a century before still being current.

That would have taken them back to 1915, the year that It's A Long Way To Tipperary was written.

Yes, time plays tricks.

Happy birthday to the King.

Shame you're not here.

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THE mass vigils and the "Je Suis Charlie" posters in the wake of the Paris massacre were moving.

But how many of those people brandishing clenched fists and pencils would really be willing to risk their lives in the cause of free speech as did Stephane Charbonnier the publisher of Charlie Hebdo who was one of those murdered?

He lived under round-the-clock police protection.

Few of us could endure that and as time passes and the shock of the carnage recedes so will the mood of defiance.

It will be business as usual, not wanting to inflame Islam out of a feeble mix of politeness and fear.

And so it continues.

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STEVE and Michelle Beer are the grotesquely obese pair who paid for their £3,000 wedding out of housing benefits, claim Disability Living Allowance and say they are "too fat to work".

They must rank as Britain's most unpopular couple.

A reader, Louise Grollman, put their "plight" into perspective.

Her husband, 36, has MS and is severely disabled.

But because he worked and has savings he is liable for care costs.

"I am not prejudiced against fat people," adds Louise, who weighed 15 stone and has managed to shed five stone.

But she says: "Disabilities happen to people.

"Obesity does not just happen."

And if the Beers "miraculously" conceive?

"We'll pay for their kids while our children will get left with nothing when the Government takes half our house for care costs."

Fair point.

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NC

Viewers complained about singer Rita Ora's low-cut outfit on The One Show

YOU do wonder - what with all that's going on in the world - why 400 curtain-twitchers bothered to complain about singer Rita Ora's low-cut outfit on The One Show.

She's one of the judges on The Voice so we'll probably be seeing her cleavage week in week out.

Get used to it or turn over.

But anxious presenters Matt Baker and Alex Jones said: "We're sorry to those of you who were offended by Rita Ora's choice of outfit on yesterday's show.

"If we had been consulted on it we would have requested she wore something more suitable for 7pm."

Ah, "more suitable for 7pm"?

So when is the right time for breasts then?

Not until 7.15pm perhaps or should one push them back to at least 10.25pm?

We need to know.

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"IT ENDS here" thunders the poster for Liam Neeson's third outing in the preposterous Taken series which sees him running around rescuing members of his family who have been kidnapped for one reason or another.

You'd hope that "it ends here" would mean just that.

But now there's talk of a fourth film.

No-o-o-o-o-o...

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GETTY/PIC POSED BY MODEL

Why do drivers splash pedestrians deliberately?

THERE'S a bridge near my house and when it rains, a lake forms in the road beneath.

Last weekend I was trudging home under this bridge, along a pavement that was covered with an inch or so of water when I heard a car approaching - too fast.

I turned round and made "slow down" gestures knowing that if the driver didn't brake I was in for a soaking.

Well, I swear that the car actually speeded up and the next second - whoosh - sopping wet from head to toe.

So I made some other gestures and wiped water from my eyes.

It was the sort of thing that happens to Miranda in the sitcom but it wasn't funny.

It would have been even more miserable if I'd not been close to home and able to have a hot shower and change in to dry clothes - while hoping that all the driver's troubles would henceforth be big ones.

Why do drivers do this?

Is it the same childish urge that makes us jump in puddles?

Or are they just beneath contempt?

Coincidentally I read that the police receive loads of complaints from pedestrians who are convinced that they too have been splashed deliberately.

But I bet many don't bother to report it because they don't get the car's number and (like me) didn't realise that it is an offence under Section 307 of the Road Traffic Act 1988.

Next time, you stupid cretin in the orange Fiesta, I'm getting your number... and you're going down.

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THERE is no doubt in my mind that Stephen Fry and Elliott Spencer - who've announced their forthcoming nuptials - will enjoy a long and happy union.

Spencer was up in court for speeding and Fry admitted that he'd tetchily told his beloved to "put his foot down" and "get a move on" because they were running late.

If that doesn't sound like an old married couple I don't know what does.

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A YOUNG man in a train lavatory was shocked that there was no loo paper (he'd obviously led a sheltered life).

He tweeted his complaint to Virgin Trains and one of their customer services operatives popped a loo roll under the door.

Possibly they wiped his bottom as well.

Thankfully even the privacy-free world of social media was spared that particular detail.

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LIZ TRUSS, the Environment Secretary says there will soon be driverless tractors.

Fine, but country dwellers will want to know how these unmanned vehicles will sense when there's a tailback of cars behind and – as is custom and practice–pull in to a lay – by to let them pass.

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IN PMQs the Prime Minister said that Ed Miliband's accusation that the Tories were "weaponising the NHS" was "disgusting".

It's also a pretty disgusting use of the English language.

Weaponising my foot.

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