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Friday, February 20, 2015

Let's fill the world with silly love songs

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Sam Smith won four Grammys and thanked the person who broke his heart GETTY

Sam Smith won four Grammys and thanked the person who broke his heart

Let us for once cast cynicism to the winds and celebrate love songs in all their glory - the hey-nonny-no ones, the moon-and-June ones and the baby=you-done-me-wrong ones.


Award-winning singer/songwriter Sam Smith spoke at the Grammys this week thanking various people. He added: "I want to thank the man who this record is about, who I fell in love with last year. Thank you so much for breaking my heart because you got me four Grammys." 


Adele wrote Rolling In The Deep after breaking up with some rotter. Taylor Swift has processed misery into catchy songs. Writing a hit is, for a talented few, a reward for being unlucky in love.


A purist might argue that heartbreak songs are not really love songs at all, which should be simple expressions of adoration. Yet I do like a sad song. Stevie Wonder's You Are The Sunshine Of My Life is delightful but way too cheery and confident. A touch of melancholy never goes amiss.


Why are most songs about love anyway? Surely there are so many other interesting subjects to put to music, such as car maintenance, tax returns or electoral reform for starters. It was no less a figure than Charles Darwin who pointed out that "love is the commonest theme of our songs" and he made a link between human language, music and birdsong.


This appears in a fascinating new book Love Songs - The Hidden History by Ted Gioia (Oxford University Press), clearly a work of love itself. It takes in erotic ancient Egyptian songs, medieval troubadours, Victorian parlour songs, Frank Sinatra and gangsta rappers among many musical expressions of love. The love song, he writes, has always been "for those moments when we let down our guard".


Ah true. You're never more vulnerable than when you say "I love you" which is why we like sharing songs with the people we love. The songs say the things we can't or daren't.


As to my favourites. Those two lines from Glen Campbell's Wichita Lineman (written by Jimmy Webb) get me every time. "And I need you more than want you, and I want you for all time." Sob. Burt Bacharach and Hal David's Anyone Who Had A Heart is a full twohandkerchief job. How did either Dionne Warwick or Cilla belt it out without breaking down?


My other must-haves include Sonny and Cher's I Got You Babe, the Beach Boys' God Only Knows, The Beatles' Something, Johnny Cash's Ring Of Fire, Cole Porter's Night And Day, Bob Dylan's Wedding Song. The list is endless, everyone's list will be different, an iPod shuffle of the emotions.


So if you've no other plans play your favourite love songs today and raise a glass to Cupid.


• BUT what's happened to Valentine's Day cards? Whither "roses are red" and "violets are blue"? In a high street card shop I saw one that said: "Do you fancy a ****?" It has the merit of directness, I suppose, but it sure ain't romance.

Helen Bonham-Carter posed naked for a shot in aid of Blue Marine FoundationCAMERA PRESS

Helen Bonham-Carter posed naked for a shot in aid of Blue Marine Foundation
I want to thank the man who this record is about, who I fell in love with last year. Thank you so much for breaking my heart because you got me four Grammys.

Sam Smith


HELENA BONHAM-CARTER is an astounding beauty even when posing naked with a dead tuna in aid of the Blue Marine Foundation. When she and her ex Tim Burton split up she must have warned him that there were plenty more fish in the sea.


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THE families of two babies given to the wrong mothers 20 years ago in a French clinic have finally received £1.5million from the courts in damages.


Though it is now 10 years since the mistake was discovered both girls have stayed with their non-biological mothers and there is said to be no love lost between the families.


What a strange and disturbing business. To swap or not to swap? Both outcomes are horrible in their own way.


How could you discard a child you had brought up as your own but equally how can you reject your biological offspring?


There is no right answer. I remember finding the plastic name tags on my babies' fat little wrists sweetly comical. But it must be easier than we imagine for mistakes to be made.


A mother would always think she'd instinctively know her own child. For the French women involved the knowledge that they didn't must be another source of torment.

Joanna Lumley says nuts and crisps are enough for herGETTY

Joanna Lumley says nuts and crisps are enough for her

JOANNA LUMLEY - svelte, glamorous and 68 - was in trouble with the nutrition Nazis when she revealed her dietary secrets: "I don't eat any meals. I eat a bit throughout the day if I'm hungry but not a big meal. I'll have some nuts or maybe some crisps and that's enough."


If that wasn't bad enough she (a contestant in the Comic Relief Bake Off) added: "I hate cake. I don't remember the last time I ate a cake. I don't like desserts and I don't like anything sweet."


Crumbs! It's an unspoken rule that we ladies must all agree that we are slaves to sweeties, martyrs to anything "naughty but nice".


Saying you're not even tempted by a lemon drizzle sponge or a cup cake marks you out as a skinny, hard-faced harridan who would probably drown kittens and hates babies. It's unwomanly. To utter such heresy is to court suspicion, even if you're national treasure J Lumley.


As to nuts and crisps? A joke for goodness sake, though the easily indignant never understand deadpan humour. Yet I too existed for some time on the canapés diet.


Very young and very poor I reviewed films for a living. You saw three films a day in various Soho screening rooms - the first at 10.30am was accompanied by black coffee and a croissant, both the second at 2.30pm and the third at 6.30pm were preceded by canapés, crisps, nuts and white wine. Then you wrote your reviews at night. For months I never had to buy food and I rarely saw daylight but it certainly did me no harm.


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• PRINCE ANDREW is to be promoted to "viceadmiral" next week. Poor timing say some as allegations of sexual impropriety swirl around. The title itself is a tad unfortunate too.


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• DISTURBING to learn that your smart TV could be spying on you. If only they could also tell you where you put the remote control.

BBC correspondent Robert Peston is sporting a new hairstyleREX

BBC correspondent Robert Peston is sporting a new hairstyle

On the road but not in a good way


THIS is not funny. At all. So don't laugh. Somewhat the worse for wear a member of Black Tongue, the doomcore (no I don't know either) heavy metal band from Hull, blundered through the door of their tour bus mistaking it for the toilet and ejected himself on to a Polish motorway.


He wasn't seriously hurt so tragedy was, thank goodness, averted. Still not funny though...not even the teensiest bit comical... provided one doesn't think of the rock documentary spoof This Is Spinal Tap and the members of the band losing their way twixt dressing room and stage...


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Economics sex god


IT was a toss-up as to which received more coverage this week: Uma Thurman's new face or Robert Peston's new hair. If you haven't been keeping up to speed with the economic news lately then you might not have seen the BBC correspondent's longer, floppier locks but personally I can't get enough of the deficit now that Peston looks like a beat poet.


What is it about Peston - that untamed voice, that long leather coat (he was banned from wearing it!), the dark shirts, the glasses? At 54 Pesto has morphed into a style icon and babe magnet. Rumour has it he's applied to be the new editor of The Guardian. Shame, we don't want him shut up in an office we want to feast our eyes.


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• RING ring. A call centre - some outfit by the name of Fresh Contacts. Could I confirm that I had been involved in a traffic accident? No I couldn't, I said, because I hadn't been. Byeee.


Fresh Contacts is a claims management company which trawls through data culled from questionnaires and the like and - as far as I can see - goes on fishing expeditions to try to drum up business.


I phoned the firm and asked if it didn't think it was alarming for members of the public to receive cold calls like that. We only ask questions, I was told, and all is legal.


Well Fresh Contacts, while it may be legal, it is alarming because I naturally wondered if a false claim had been made against me.


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